By Emily J. Parodi, MA, LPC, LMHC and Lori Petrozzello-Karn, MSW

October was Domestic Violence awareness month. When we think about domestic violence (DV) oftentimes we wonder, “Why do women stay in those relationships?” This question is similar to asking, “Why does a person stay at a job that they don’t really like?” The list of reasons is endless, complicated, and very personal. We need to stop blaming the victim for staying in an abusive relationship. What we imply when we place blame on a women is the idea that the abuse would simply cease once the relationship is dissolved. Very often, however, the abuse does not stop and can even get worse when the victim tries to leave or does leave the relationship.

The cause for violence is directly due to the actions of the abuser. Domestic violence is defined as a pattern of coercive behaviors exerted by one intimate partner over another with the goal of establishing and maintaining power and control. Therefore, the more accurate question to ask is “Why do men (or people) batter?” This question holds the perpetrator of the crime responsible for his/her actions. Yes, domestic violence is a crime. People batter because they feel a need to exert control over their intimate partner. Thus, in order to end the abuse, the perpetrator must be held accountable.

Domestic violence exists in both homosexual and heterosexual relationships. Ninety five percent of the abusers are male. Women can be abusers too. It is estimated that 3.9 million domestic violence incidents occur in the U.S. each year (U.S. Dept. of Justice, Violence by Intimates, March 1998). However, this is a very under-reported crime and these figures may be deflated. Domestic violence is widespread, crossing all ethnic, racial, age, national origin, sexual orientation, religious, and socio-economic lines.

All too often the characteristics of domestic violence are seen as “signs of love” for a person. On the contrary, a healthy relationship is centered on equality where the partners have respect, trust, support, honesty, shared responsibility, fairness and behave in a non-threatening manner towards one another.

It is our hope in writing this article that people who are in abusive relationships, both the victim and the perpetrator, will receive help ending domestic violence. Relationships should not be painful experiences. Through professional help, victims of abuse can learn to build their self esteem so they are less vulnerable to the tactics used by batterers. Abusers can also learn, through professional assistance, how to manage their anger and relate to others with respect. Let us learn to stop the cycle of violence and create some peace for ourselves at home.

COULD THIS BE YOU?

If you see yourself in the profiles detailed below, call for assistance in ending the cycle of violence.

Are you a victim of abuse?

The following are signs that you may be a victim of abuse:

  • Physical bruises or other injury caused by your partner
  • Withdrawing from activities, work, or school
  • Sudden or increased social isolation
  • Difficulty making decisions
  • Sudden changes in mood or personality
  • Use of alcohol or drugs and /or crying easily or overreacting to minor incidents

 

What do you do if you are a victim?

If you feel that you may be in an abusive relationship you are encouraged to get free professional help from any of the following:

  • Women Rising 201-333-5700
  • Babyland Peace Center 973-484-4446
  • Shelter Our Sisters 201-944-9600
  • New Jersey Violent Crime Compensation Board 973-648-2107
  • UMDMJ—Child and Adolescent Counseling Center 800-969-5300
  • Christ Hospital Crisis Center 201-795-8375
  • Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233

 

Could you be an abuser?

The following are signs that you may be abusing your partner:

  • Your partner reports abuse, and may be using alcohol or drugs
  • You show possessive or jealous behavior towards your partner
  • The relationship you’re involved in is with a much younger person
  • You threaten or harass a former girlfriend/boyfriend
  • You attempt, or threaten to attempt, suicide over a relationship
  • There is increased fighting with other men (or women) over girlfriend (or boyfriend)

 

What do you do if you are an abuser?

If you feel that you may be abusing your partner you are encouraged to get free professional help from any of the following:

  • Babyland Family Service 973-399-3400
  • Irvington Counseling Center 973-399-3132
  • North Hudson Community Action Corp. 201-866-9320
  • Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233

 

Article appeared in the November 2004 (Vol.2, No. 3) Edition of the Orator, a student publication of Hudson County Community College.